[SCAM ALERT] Fwd: Forums - From: Zaina Ishaaq

Email scam of the day. Be alert guys.

For more info on online scam or fraud:
http://www.hoax-slayer.com  Or http://www.scamdex.com


Regards,
scamorspam.blogspot.com

Get Rich Quick SCAM
--------------------------------------------------------------------

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Forums <support@fimlabs.net>
Date: Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 11:03 PM
Subject: Forums - From: Zaina Ishaaq
To: *******


This mail has been sent by misszaina via Forums

From : Zaina Ishaaq ismail


Hello Dear,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I know this mail may come to you as a surprise, since we have not known or written before.

Afer you receive this mail kindly contact me on my private Email contact below. Introducing myself, I am Zaina Ishaaqismail , the Only Daughter of the late Ishaaq ismail

, my father was a gold and cocoa mercahnt based in accra , ghana and Abidjan ( Ivory Coast ), he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their business trips recetly.

Before his death, He called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of $6.500,000USD deposited in one of the prime bank here in abidjan ivory coast , that he used my name for the next of kin in depositing of the fund.

E-mail address above ( princesseszaina1985@rocketmail.com) Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Awaiting your urgent reply
Regards
Zaina Ishaaq ismail

Reply to my private e-mail box below: ( princesseszaina1985@rocketmail.com )

-- --

                                    

8 Ways To Make A Million

Don't just dream about striking it rich. Learn from those who did.

By Kiplinger's Personal Finance Magazine

 

Twelve years ago, Julie Aigner-Clark was looking for a way to expose Aspen, her 18-month-old daughter, to music and the arts.

 

So she and her husband, Bill, shot a video in the basement of their home. "We borrowed equipment from a friend, put up a black velvet background and used the toys my daughter liked," she says.

 

The star of the video is a dragon puppet that Aspen used as a washcloth. Other scenes feature Julie's hand slowly turning the crank on a jack-in-the-box. It's all very low-budget but also quite soothing. Can you imagine the path to becoming a millionaire starting with such a mundane project?

 

Here at Kiplinger, we're old-fashioned. We think it's a lot more fun becoming rich than being born that way. Our culture and economy encourage risk-taking, pursuing good ideas and dogged determination. Luck plays a part, too.

 

There's no denying it. But you can also make your own luck through perseverance.

 

To inspire you, we looked for people who have become rich. Just how did they do it? For some, like Julie and Bill, everything flowed quickly from one good idea. Others spent a working lifetime patiently building wealth.

 

We also asked what they've done with their wealth -- and what advice they have for others. We demonstrate how to find the cash to invest your way to millionaire status.

 

Look, we know it may not happen. But a growing number of Americans are achieving millionaire status. And in these eight stories, you'll find information to make your life richer, whether you become a millionaire or not.

 

8 millionaire profiles

 

The video that took on a life of its own: Julie Aigner-Clark and husband Bill learned about the power of word of mouth as their Baby Einstein empire took off.

Know when to make the call: Mark Wilson took the leap from managing a corporate call center to starting his own, Ryla Teleservices, providing a much-needed alternative to offshore outsourcing.

Pounce when the time is right: Real estate is an accessible path for independent investors to make money. Robert Norton, a former entertainment lawyer, shares his method.

It started over cocktails: The Internet has made many millionaires, but don't expect an overnight success story. Mediabistro's Laurel Touby reveals what it takes to make it big on the Net.

A 30-year plan to make a mil: So you'll never leap to start your own business and do not trust the real-estate market? You can still build a million the old-fashioned way -- just ask Gary Gardelli.

Breaking with family tradition: One of the first to produce eggs from cage-free hens, Cyd Szymanski can tell you it pays to go against convention when you believe in what you are doing.

Accumulating a fortune on $11 a hour: There's more than a money lesson behind Paul Navone's story of accumulated wealth from a wage-paying job.

Suddenly, it clicks: You don't have to go it alone. Gurtej Sandhu has earned his wealth creating patents at Micron Technology.

 

Millionaire lesson No. 1

 

Build a strong brand, and don't be afraid to promote your product with passion.

 

Julie Aigner-Clark and husband Bill's amateur video was such a hit with their daughter that Julie, 41, became determined to market what they called Baby Einstein to parents everywhere.

 

The couple invested about $15,000 of their own money in production and packaging and targeted Right Start, a small chain of baby-product stores, to be their distributor. Julie went to a toy trade show in New York City to try to find a buyer from the company.

 

"I couldn't afford a booth," she says. "On the second day, I found a group of women from Right Start, and I attacked them because I was so excited."

 

The chain agreed to sell the video on a trial basis. "Parents would take it home, babies loved it, and there was amazing word of mouth," says Julie.

 

She and Bill made more videos set to classical music and started raking in the money. Sales, which topped $100,000 in the first year, snowballed to $1 million in the second year, $4.5 million in the third, $12 million in the fourth and more than $20 million in year five.

 

Their production costs remained very low. "Duplicating videos is not very expensive," Julie says. Bill, whose background is in physics, eventually quit his job and became the firm's chief financial officer.

 

In 2001, the enterprise started to get bigger than the couple could handle by themselves. "It was taking a lot of time away from family," says Julie. So they contacted Disney, which bought Baby Einstein for more than $22 million.

 

Now Julie's back, partnering with John Walsh, the host of "America's Most Wanted," to produce "The Safe Side," a series of videos to teach kids about safety. And once again, she's cracked the kid code: What may look like a silly video to grown-ups is a big hit with the elementary-school set.

 

Meanwhile, the Clark family spends more time together at their Centennial, Colo., home. And in a few months, they'll leave for a yearlong trip around the world with Aspen, now 13, and little sister Sierra, 10.

 

Millionaire Lesson No. 2

 

Don't be afraid to go out on your own if you possess the competence and know people who can help you reach your goal.

 

Mark Wilson had been managing Dun & Bradstreet's call centers for 15 years when the company decided to outsource the business in 2001. Sensing an opportunity, Wilson immediately asked to be considered.

 

There was only one catch: Wilson didn't actually own a call-center business at the time. "I didn't think I had that good a shot," he says. "But I did have my reputation." Wilson won the contract.

 

To get up and running quickly, he partnered with an established call center in Houston. At the same time, Mark and his wife, Shelly, worked on a business plan and recruited two former D&B colleagues, a technology expert and a training expert, to help launch the business.

 

Then Wilson knocked on doors to get help with funding. "Everybody was conservative about investing in a company with little or no revenue yet," he says. But he did attract the attention of a community-development venture-capital fund, which invested $700,000.

 

Ryla Teleservices opened in June 2002 and rapidly accumulated big-money contracts. Revenues topped $3 million in the first full year of business, more than doubled the next and were up to $17 million in 2007. After another round of financing, the company is going through another growth spurt and projects more than $30 million in revenue this year.

 

Why is Ryla so successful? As a domestic call center based in Ken­nesaw, Ga., the company attracts clients that have had bad experiences with call centers offshore. And some government clients, such as the Veterans Affairs and State departments, can't send their call centers out of the U.S. Plus, being an early adopter of voice-over-Internet-protocol, or VoIP, technology has helped Ryla lower costs.

 

But the biggest edge, says Wilson, comes from the company's workers. "We want this to be the best job they've ever had," he says.

 

Turnover in the call-center industry generally runs from 60% to 70% per year. But Ryla's turnover is just 30%, and many of the company's original employees remain.

 

Ryla pays at least 60% of the cost of health insurance for the company's 400 regular employees, and it sponsors budgeting and personal-development seminars. Wilson keeps morale high with his regular "huddles," where he stands in the middle of a circle of workers and gives them an update on the state of the company.

 

"The key asset of any business is its people, and we've never lost sight of that," he says.

 

Millionaire Lesson No. 3

 

Identify trends and be patient, even if it means waiting a decade to make an investment.

 

Make a million in real estate?

 

Today? You must be kidding. But where others see a housing bust, Robert Norton sees opportunity. He sold his home for a profit of nearly $2 million last year, and he sees many similarities between today's Los Angeles housing market, where prices have dropped by about 20% over the past year, and the market when he bought that house in 1997.

 

Norton, 52, spent 25 years as an entertainment lawyer, working first for Jim Henson's company (of "Muppet" fame) and then Mattel. But real estate was his passion.

 

He'd been buying and selling inexpensive properties since the early 1980s, and watching the housing market carefully for a big investment. He pounced when he saw the price for a six-bedroom house in fashionable Bel Air drop from $1.1 million to well under $1 million. So he offered even less ($750,000), closed the deal in three days and moved in.

 

Then he waited, knowing that real-estate cycles in the area tend to last seven to 10 years. When he sensed a downturn coming in 2007, he sold the house for more than $2.8 million. Says Norton, "It's a matter of sitting and waiting and having the flexibility to be patient."

 

Norton quit his job and now focuses full time on real estate. He didn't invest all his profits right away, he says, "because prices can still come down." Now he owns a smaller home for himself in Long Beach, Calif., a vacation home in Palm Springs and three houses that he rents out while he prowls the market for attractive properties at good prices.

 

Aware that today's downturn may last a long time, Norton is careful to run the numbers before buying a rental property. "I won't buy a rental property that does not have a positive cash flow, and that includes accounting for taxes, insurance and maintenance as well as the mortgage," he says. "It has to generate as good a return on my money as other types of investments. Then any future appreciation is gravy."

 

Norton generally puts down 20% to avoid private mortgage insurance and to qualify for the best loan rate. But he doesn't put down any more. That way, he leverages his money. Norton is also careful to diversify his investments. For instance, the retirement accounts he built up while he was a lawyer remain untouched.

 

Norton's advice to real-estate investors: "The house should appeal to a broad spectrum of future buyers, and not just be something you like because it's uniquely your taste. And in a down market, the old adage 'Location, location, location' is more important than ever."

 

Millionaire Lesson No. 4

 

Success on the Internet isn't serendipitous. Don't court investors until you have adequate traffic and initial revenue.

 

Laurel Touby's $23 million Internet bonanza started with a time-honored tradition of social networking: the cocktail party. Touby was a freelance writer working out of her New York City apartment in 1994, and she was eager to connect with other creative professionals who spent their days trapped in cubicles, studios and home offices.

 

So she began sponsoring midweek cocktail parties at a bar in the East Village, where guests bought their own drinks and swapped business cards (and where Touby donned her trademark feather boa as a way of identifying herself to new arrivals).

 

The media mixers were an instant hit, and by 1996 she had built a database that included thousands of names. Touby took the growing community online the following year and dubbed it Mediabistro.com. Soon, people from all over the country were posting job listings and clamoring for local parties, and she was happy to oblige.

 

At that point, Mediabistro was still a hobby, and Touby was supporting herself by freelance writing. In mid-1999, she began asking people who posted job ads on her site to send $100 per listing to a post office box. She received $2,200 the first month -- not bad, she told herself.

 

Two months later, she collected more than $3,800. By the end of 1999 she had taken in more than $65,000 -- nearly twice her earnings as a writer. "That's when I realized that I'd better invest in this baby," says Touby, 45.

 

So she tapped contacts to help her write a business plan and find in­vestors. By 2000, she had lined up $1 million commitments from two investors in exchange for an ownership share. Mediabistro managed to weather the bursting of the dot-com bubble, the stock market's nose dive and the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Frugal with her investors' money, Touby created a new revenue source by offering online classes and seminars for a fee.

 

Last year, Jupitermedia bought Mediabistro -- and its robust online traffic of 7 million page views a month -- for $23 million. Touby's personal share is $12 million before taxes -- and more if future financial goals are met.

 

She and her husband, journalist Jon Fine, continue to live in their Brooklyn apartment while searching for a loft in Manhattan. "After getting this huge amount of money," she says, "we want to be careful not to lose it."

 

Millionaire Lesson No. 5

 

Plan for the very long term. Gary Gardelli waited two years to get the job he wanted and more than 30 years for the payoff.

 

Gary Gardelli chose his career path at age 4.

 

"I had a little red fire engine with push pedals and a bell," says Gardelli, now 55, "and that's pretty much when I decided what I wanted to do."

 

In junior high school, he realized an added benefit to being a firefighter: the pension. And then there's the job security. Economies boom and wane, but protection from fires is a basic, universal need.

 

At age 20, Gardelli studied fire departments in the Denver area, including their benefits and retirement plans. He picked suburban Bancroft, Colo., as a place to live and work and attended college for two years while waiting to be accepted for training.

 

Then he stayed put for 31 years and seven months. "It was better than I ever thought it could be," says Gardelli, who turned down mana­gerial promotions so he could keep fighting fires. "I liked being one of the guys in the trenches. I made lieutenant, and that's where I stayed."

 

For most of his working years, Gardelli knew exactly when he would retire --November 2006 -- because that's when a lump-sum pension payout would amount to $1 million. He decided to take the lump sum because the lifetime-payment option offered skimpy survivor benefits to his wife, Cindy, in the event that he died first. "This way," he says, "it's all hers."

 

Managing $1 million is a big responsibility, especially when you retire at age 54 and want the money to last for perhaps 40 years. Gardelli already had experience investing Cindy's retirement-plan rollover when she left firefighting eight years ago. Plus, he amassed about $100,000 in his employer-matched 401(a) plan, a tax-deferred plan for public-sector employees.

 

Gardelli worked with a financial planner to invest the money, gradually putting it in a diversified portfolio, composed mostly of stock funds, and keeping some in a guaranteed account that earns about 5%. "I'm taking it slow and easy," he says.

 

Even as millionaires, he and Cindy still look for ways to save money.

 

"We play lots of golf, ride the motorcycle, goof off," says Gary, who saves about $5,000 in annual golf-course fees by working six hours a week as a golf-course marshal.

 

Cindy works two days a week in a veterinary clinic, which provides them with free care for their three fox terriers and Chihuahua.

 

Says Gary, "We're having so much fun."

 

Millionaire Lesson No. 6

 

Combining an old way of doing things with a popular new trend will resonate with customers and clients.

 

Cyd Szymanski knows how to hurl an egg, a skill she perfected as a farm kid in southwestern Missouri. (Aim for the barn post, she says, the better to splatter the guts, and hope they hit your brother.) She also knows how to score a breakthrough in the tradition-bound egg industry.

 

Szymanski turned a foundering startup called Nest Fresh into a company with sales of more than $5 million. In the process, she showed her competitors -- and members of her own family -- that cage-free chicken eggs could be profitable.

 

"I wasn't the first, but I was darned close," Szymanski says. "Soon, all the big guys jumped on the bandwagon."

 

When Szymanski, 51, was growing up, most egg farmers considered caged chickens to be "the modern way, the good and positive way," she says. That included her grandfather and uncle, who then owned one of the biggest egg producers in the U.S.

 

By 1991, however, her father and brother had hatched a plan to produce cage-free eggs in Colorado. Szymanski left her job as a hospital marketing director and moved to Denver to join them. Their distributor reneged, leaving the business $60,000 in debt. Her father and brother walked away from the enterprise.

 

But Szymanski hung on. She processed and packed the eggs herself and delivered them to small grocers. "I would drive an hour to the farm, work, drive back into town, deliver the eggs, go to my apartment, try to figure out where all the money had gone and what I was going to do, go back out to farm, do some more work, come home about 11 at night and do the books. It was a scary existence," she says.

 

Her big break came when King Soopers, the leading grocery chain in Colorado, agreed to carry the eggs, and a local newspaper wrote about Nest Fresh. Customers liked the look, taste and idea of the cage-free eggs enough to buy them at $2.79 a dozen, more than three times the price of regular eggs.

 

Once Nest Fresh took off, Szymanski's relatives jumped into the business, and so did other big grocery chains. "Farmers are not known for forward thinking," she says. "The market had to be booming."

 

As for Szymanski, in 2006 she sold the Nest Fresh brand to Hidden Villa Ranch of Fullerton, Calif., for a sum that put her squarely in the millionaire column. "I wanted to change the way eggs are produced in the U.S.," she says. "I accomplished that."

 

Now Szymanski and her husband, Steve, enjoy a cushy life that includes neither eggs nor chickens, both of which Szymanski dislikes. They invest in real estate and take horseback-riding vacations with their 8-year-old daughter, AnnaBelle.

 

Says Szymanski of her wealth, "I have 'eggsistential' guilt."

 

Millionaire Lesson No. 7

 

It doesn't take a fortune to build one. Saving a little at a time is an established path to accumulating wealth.

 

You don't need to earn much to make millions. Paul Navone, 78, never made more than $11 an hour as a quality-control inspector in a glass-container factory. But last year he gave $2 million to two New Jersey schools. He has about $1 million more saved for his retirement.

 

Navone, who lives in Millville, N.J., was hired by Wheaton Glass when he was 16. After taking a break for Army service, he returned and moved in with his older sister (paying her for his room and board) until he scraped together $6,500 to buy his own duplex at age 23. He lived in one half and rented the other. Eventually, he bought two other properties in Millville and two in Atlantic City.

 

Income from his rentals paid Navone's living expenses. "I never spent any of my wages," he says. He owns no phone or TV. He collects Hummel figurines -- dozens of the ceramic pieces decorate his home.

 

But for the most part, he squirreled his money away in savings and investments, and he gives credit to "four very good brokers." Navone invested in "a little bit of everything" and stuck with a buy-and-hold strategy. He is partial to utility stocks, with their steady earnings and dividends (which he always reinvests).

 

When he retired two years ago, Navone couldn't help wondering "what all this accumulation was going to amount to." He decided to give part of his fortune to St. Augustine College Preparatory School in Richland, N.J. His current broker, Douglas Smithson of Wachovia Securities, suggested that he also speak to Cumberland County College in Vineland, N.J.

 

Last year, Navone donated $1 million to the college for its nursing-education program and $1 million to the high school for a swimming pool.

 

"I never had the pleasure of a swimming pool," he says. "I used to go to the swimming hole at the gravel pit."

 

Millionaire Lesson No. 8

 

Forgo the safe route and find an employer who will help you live up to your potential.

 

By the numbers, Gurtej Sandhu is one of the most prolific inventors in the U.S. What's more, he has parlayed his education and ingenuity into millionaire status.

 

Sandhu holds more than 700 patents, which puts him among the top 10 patent holders in the nation. He works for Micron Technology, which makes memory microchips that are used in most digital devices, from cell phones to MP3 players. The semiconductor business faces cutthroat competition, and all of Sandhu's patents focus on making microchips more efficient.

 

The son of two chemists, Sandhu, 47, was always attracted to math and science. "I liked engineering better than medicine because I didn't have to deal with blood," he says. He earned a degree in electrical engineering from the elite Indian Institute of Technology in New Delhi and received a doctorate in physics from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill in 1990.

 

Turning down a job offer from a bigger rival, Sandhu joined Micron, which at the time ranked 16th among makers of memory chips. His physics professor and mentor, W.K. Chu, persuaded Sandhu to take the Micron job because it would give him an opportunity to learn many aspects of the chip-making business rather than being locked in to a specialized job at a larger company.

 

Inspiration comes quickly, says Sandhu -- "Suddenly it clicks, and there's a flash" -- but it takes dedication to develop an idea from creation to a patent. And sometimes, you don't even comprehend the magnitude of what you've discovered. For example, Sandhu developed a method of coating microchips with titanium without exposing the metal to oxygen, which would ruin the chips. Initially, he didn't think his idea was a big deal, but now most memory-chip makers use the process.

 

Micron is based in Idaho, and Sandhu enjoys bike riding and spending time with his wife and two teenage sons in and around Boise. "The isolation works for me," he says. "I'm more open to new ideas here."

-----------------------------------------

Huh? Wt....

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
--

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!". His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker "It's not talcum powder... it's 'Miracle Grow'."

--

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
--


On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them."What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."
--

After escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"
--


A man goes to the Ritz Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend. After due study of the wine list, he orders a bottle of the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with the wine and pours a small amount into the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass sniffs the wine and puts it down on the table with a thud.

"This is not 1928 Mouton." The waiter does his best to reassure him it is, and soon there is a throng surrounding the table including the manager, all trying to convince the man the wine is in fact 1928 Mouton. Finally, someone asks the man how he knows the wine is not 1928 Mouton.

The man replies my name Baron Philippe de Rothschild and I make the wine. At this point, the waiter steps forward and admits he poured Clerc Milon 1928. He says, "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you harvest the grapes at the same time, you crush the same way, you put the wine in similar barrels, you bottle at the same time, and they are the same except for a small matter of geographic location."

The Baron beckons the waiter forward and whispers to him..." When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening and another finger in the other, then smell both fingers, you will then understand what a small distance in geographic location makes."
---


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "'No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye!"
--


A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
--


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.


--

"I know you can't get married on the money I pay you," said the boss to his new employee, "but someday you'll thank me for it!"

--

________________________________________
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
--

Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'Sorry', the Aboriginal union is holding a meeting tomorrow to decide whether to end their 220 year strike and start working...
--

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.
--

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98. Two years older than me" she replied. "So you're 96? Hardly worth going home, is it?" he said.
--

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break... do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet - ate the cookies... drank the milk... shit on the paper... screwed the other three cats... claimed he injured his back while doing so... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... put in for Workers Compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!

--

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have confession to make I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods"."Tiger Woods... the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" ask the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this fucking hole!"

--

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've shit the bed!".

--

A muscular body builder type is walking along the beach, when he happens upon a woman with no arms or legs lying in the sand. She looks up at him imploringly and says, "Please sir can you help me, I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed."" Feeling sorry for her he leans down and gives her a kiss.

She then says, "I hate to put you out, but I've never had a man touch my breasts." He's a little repulsed but, being a good sort and not wanting to hurt her feelings, he begins to stroke and caress her breasts.

After a few minutes of this she whispers in his ear, "You know, I've never been fucked." So he picks her up, throws her as far into the sea as he can and shouts, "You are now!"

--

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off!" she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right! He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all!" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

-- ________________________________________
A young couple got married and in their family it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened but then they danced for the second song too. And a third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.

A riot broke out and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your Honour, we were just dancing and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the Judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''He broke three of my fingers.''
--


A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about!"

"I was driving home when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you."

"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?'"



Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry Maria," says the mother. "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria." says her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs." "Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half." "Stay here and stir the pasta." says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
--


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head, you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."
-----


Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes...

After a few days they meet again...

The engaged girlfriend "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 centimetre stilettos and mask. He saw me he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'. Then we made love all night long".

The mistress "Ah! Me too! The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything... but we still had wild sex all night".

The married one "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes... my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Alright Batman, what's for dinner?"


A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt! That's when I made my big mistake."

What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that.
-----


A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
--

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa!" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother-fucker!"
--


A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked "They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs ?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of poofter shit in our garden."
--


A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your lastname?"

The man replies "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.



An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, Fuck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
--


Two buddies, Arthur and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Arthur throws up all over himself. "Oh, no," he cries. "Judy will kill me!" Steve says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry-cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Arthur rolls into home and Judy screams, "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Arthur says, "I can e'splain everythin! Ish not what you think. I only had a cupla drinks. But thish other guy got sick on me... he had one too many and he jush couldn't hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars." "Oh, yeah, I almos' forgot," says Arthur. "He pooed in my pants, too."
--


A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.

The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."
--


A Woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."

hat's amazing," said the woman, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."
________________________________________



Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our administrative assistants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the administrative assistant?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, then you had to go and eat someone they would miss!!"
--


One day a Gynaecologist decided that he was tired of looking at the same thing every day as he had during all his years as a gynaecologist. So he decided that he would take up a new profession.

He goes to a technical school and enrols in a course for auto mechanics. After having completed the course, he is required to take a two part test in which he has to disassemble an auto engine on the first part of the test. On the second part of the test he is required to reassemble the same engine. The total score possible for the completed test is 100 points.

After having completed the test, he receives his test score and notices that his score is 200 points. He knows that this cannot be right as the total score possible was only 100 points.

He goes to his instructor and tells him that there was a mistake as he was given 200 points and the total possible was only 100 points.

His instructor says to him, "This is what we did. For having disassembled the engine correctly, we gave you 50 points, for having reassembled the engine correctly, we gave you 50 points, and we gave you another 100 points for doing it all through the exhaust system."
--


The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a Condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance: A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of Security while it's actually screwing you.
--


A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." "What are you doing in there?" "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
--


A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Are you going to tell him or can I?"
--


One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint and says "giraffe giraffe! why do you smoke puff? come run with me and get fit instead" so the giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit .

Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror . The rabbit says "elephant elephant. why do you do drugs? come run with us instead and get fit ." so the elephant stops and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack "lion lion" cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? come run with us instead."

The lion with a mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens. "no!" the giraffe and the elephant cry "why did you do that? all he was trying to do was to help you out!"

The Lion says "Fucking rabbit always makes me run around this wanky forest when he's done a few pills."
--


This guy has a really bad toothache, so he goes to the dentist. After being examined, he's told the tooth will have to be pulled out. The cost is $500.

"But I only have $250", says the unfortunate man. "That's OK, I can do it without freezing you first", replies the sadistic dentist.

"That's not a problem. I've only cried twice in my life, so I should be able to take it." "Twice?!? What do you mean?" asks the unbelieving dentist.

"Well, the first time, I was out hunting in the woods. I really had to take a crap, and I finally couldn't take it anymore. So I pulled down my pants, and unloaded right there. The problem was that my shit fell on a bear trap, and it snapped shut on my testicles."

The dentist involuntarily closes his legs, and exclaims, "That must've hurt! When was the second time?" "When I started running and hit the end of the chain."
-



An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ‘til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. One day, when he was out in the field, his wife brought him lunch. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. Whenever a woman mourner approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent that the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

After the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
--


A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day", he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." the frog says.

"I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman. She said, You now have 3 wishes. I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

"She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!, she then asked 'What is your second wish?"

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream. She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! God I was a love machine."

"Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear, 'You know you have one more wish, what will it be?"

"I looked at her and replied: How about a little head?"
--


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!
--



Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
--


At 95, Joe had it off with a 65-year-old woman but was perturbed next morning to find a slight discharge from his penis and hurried to the medical centre. A doctor examined it, then asked, "Have you had sex lately?"

"Yes," Joe admitted. "I had my first root in 32 years yesterday." "And do you know the lady's name?" the doctor continued. "Of course I do," Joe said indignantly. "We met at the senior citizens' centre."

"Do you know where she lives?" the doctor asked. "Yes," said Joe. "That's where we did it." "Then you'd better hurry over there," the doctor said. "You're starting to come!"
--


A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks - one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom.

Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck."How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."


---

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the Motorway."

"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: Your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch." The guy perks up a bit at this.

"So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "You need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch penis before and you decide to go for a nine inch penis now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the chap. "And has she helped you to make the decision?" "Yes, she has" he says. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having a new kitchen," replies the man.


--

A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia ..

He was having his coffee, croissant, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house. A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation.

Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course."
Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia , we only eat what's inside.The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore ."

The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened In silence.

Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course."
Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it across to Singapore ."

This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia ?"
Malaysian : "Why, of course we do"
Singaporean : "Do you wear protection"
Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms."
Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away."
Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore , the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia ,... & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore ."

-----


The Difference between Engineers and Management guys!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"


---

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"...

"AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..."


----

An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Jacko. "Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled. Jacko came running in. "Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C!" "Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her."

"Spot on" Jacko said. "While you’re doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits!" "Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?

Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."


---

A little boy goes shopping with his mum and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little lad gets bored and as his mum comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out, she invites him over.

After an hour she says "You know you can go a little further if you want"

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well why don't you put your hand down my pants?" she says.

"Hell no" he cries, you've got teeth down there"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there" "Yes there are" he says, "my mum told me" "No, there aren't" she insists.

"Here have a look for yourself" she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "look I don't have any teeth down there!" The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"


----

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh".
--



There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says: "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his.

He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are TWO".

---

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the Stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the big bad wolf just blew down my house!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!!

So the straw pig and the stick Pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up the wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and blew the wolfs head off. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry butt into the creek then got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the heck were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... The Guinea Pigs.

"Gotta love those Italians."

----


This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke... "I'm just a really bad conductor."

-----

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of it.

This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.

A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

----


Three men go into a hotel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30 so each man paid $10 and toddled off to the room. A while later the man behind the desk realised he'd overcharged for the room - was only supposed to be $25 so he sent the bellboy to refund the $5.

On the way the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between three men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself. This means that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a Total of $27 add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29. Where is the other dollar?


A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied. "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt!"
--


After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner than she flopped down in front of the TV, her door bell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're STILL not ready?"

----

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, discharged and shoot him right in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony... he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

----

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. " The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

-----

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" asked one. "Not yet," said the mother.

"I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?""No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM OK!?"
---



A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


--------

A FATHERS RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER

RULE ONE
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

RULE TWO
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE FOUR
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE FIVE
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway.

RULE SIX
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

RULE EIGHT
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better.

RULE NINE
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me.

RULE TEN
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.


----

Big breasts win verdict for Japanese pin-up model

Japanese pin-up model Serena Kozakura smiles after winning her court battle, helped by her big breasts in Tokyo. -- PHOTO: AFP

TOKYO - A JAPANESE pin-up model says that her big breasts have not only boosted her career - they also helped her overturn a court verdict.

The bikini model, who goes by her professional name Serena Kozakura, was cleared after a court decided she was too well-endowed to squeeze into a room through a hole, as she had been found guilty of earlier.

'I used to hate my body so much,' Kozakura, who has appeared in product commercials on television, told the private Asahi network in an interview aired on Tuesday.

'But it was my breasts' that won in court, she said.

The case was splashed through the Japanese media on Tuesday, with the Asahi network even inviting her to demonstrate how she could not fit through the opening.

Kozakura, 38, was convicted last year of property destruction after a man said she kicked in the wooden door of his room and crawled inside, apparently because he was with another woman.

Kozakura had said the man made the hole himself.

In her appeal, the defence counsel held up a plate showing the size of the hole and said that she could not squeeze through with her 110-centimetre bust.

'The judges were very good-mannered as they showed no expressions on their faces. I guess they're well-trained,' Kozakura said.

Tokyo High Court presiding judge Kunio Harada agreed and threw out the guilty verdict on Monday, saying there was reasonable doubt over the man's account. -- AFP
_________________________



A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
--


Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."
--


A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this - it's still in the CRATE!"

--


Three ladies, two younger and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young lady pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm" she said. A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young lady lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand." The older lady felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older lady finally said... "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!"
--


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar; which the girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? The little working girl replied, "I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks".
--



One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
--



The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

-----

A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing men when along came a guy named Paddy from Dublin.

"I'm not hiring no dumb fock paddy from Dublin," the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Paddy wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Wittout nombers?" Paddy says. "Agh! feck aff dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. The Dub replies, "Ain't ye got no brains? Tree'nTree'nTree makes 9. Are ye feckin' tick or wa?" "Fair enough," says the Boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99." Paddy stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ye arre, me mucker." The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Paddy says "Each a de trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree'n dirty tree-daa makes 99".

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the Dubliner so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100." Paddy stares into space again, then picks up the picture once more, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ye arre, buddy, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!" Dublin Paddy leans forward and points to the mark at the base of the trees.

"See der? Well a little feckin' doggie comes along and takes a shoite on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd-which makes a hunnert. Feckin' roit it does!!! When do I feckin' start?"
--



Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."

A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are screwing." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
--



A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! Regardless, the Dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head!!!"
--


Two blondes were working on a house. One, who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

----

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
--


A blond is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring. The blond outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blond inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!!"
--



A blonde and a brunette were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The situation cut to a commercial.
Brunette: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Blonde: "Okay."
(then back to the newscast.)
He jumps.
Blonde: "Okay, here's my $20."
Brunette: "No, that was too easy, I can't take your money."
Blonde: "I insist. I lost!"
Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."
Blonde: "I saw the exact same newscast, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!"
--


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.

---

Two men were driving down the road when a sign appeared to them advertising 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!!'.

The two men looked at each other completely confused. So they continued driving and they see the same sign. 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!! NEXT EXIT!!

So the two men looked at each other wondering, a peach is a peach, how else would they come? So they decided that they were going to check this place out. When they arrived at the place that sold peaches any way you like them, they got out of the car the place had a large shed and trees all around growing with peaches. The men looked around for a couple of minutes and an old farmer came out of the shed asking how he could help the two young men.

Immediately one of the men asked about the sign advertising the peaches any way you liked them. The old farmer asked the first young man what his favorite kind of food was and he said that he absolutely loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So the farmer goes in his shed and gives the man a peach and tells him to take a large bite out of it. When the young man did so, he exclaimed, "WOW! This tastes just like peanut butter!" The old man told him to turn it around and taste the other side. "WOW!", the young man said, "This tastes just like peach jelly!!!"

The farmer looked pleased with himself and he turned to the other young man. "So what's your favorite kind of food?" Well, this took him quite a bit longer to decide because he was so amazed by this creation. Then he finally looked at the farmer with a big grin and replied, "Let's just see if you have this kind of peach in store. I would have to say pussy, pussy is my FAVORITE kind of food!!"

So the farmer smiled and went into the shed and brought out another peach and gave it to the young man. The man took a large bite out of the peach waiting to savor the taste and right when he did so, he shouted in disgust, "Man!! This tastes like shit!!!!!" The farmer smiled and looked at him and said, "Try the other side!!!"

----

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

--


A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

--

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! - and all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

"As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen."
--


Sam invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Sam's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Sam and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Sam and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Sam volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to Sam and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Sam said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Sam received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

---

Survey found that only a third of women would make the same trade

LONDON - Nearly half of British men surveyed would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV, a survey — perhaps unsurprisingly carried out for a firm selling televisions — said on Friday.

Electrical retailer Comet surveyed 2,000 Britons, asking them what they would give up for a large television, one of the latest consumer "must-haves."

The firm found 47 percent of men would give up sex for half a year, compared to just over a third of women. "It seems that size really does matter more for men than women," the firm said.

A quarter of people said they would give up smoking, with roughly the same proportion willing to give up chocolate. - Reuters.

--


Drunk last night? Don't show your boss on Facebook
February 5, 2008

Had a heavy weekend's drinking? Been to some wild parties?

Don't be tempted to boast about it on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, or worse provide pictures of yourself behaving like a complete buffoon.

For would-be employers could be digging for digital dirt. Readily available - and possibly embarrassing - information is just a mouse click away.

"The best advice is - don't put anything on your profile you wouldn't want you mother to see," said Andy Powell, director at the international recruitment agency Badenoch & Clark.

He warned social networking devotees not to post pictures of debauched parties, to go easy on details of romantic trysts and never to complain about their current job or boss.

"More and more recruiters are taking note of 'net reputations,"' Powell said.

"The social networking site Viadeo ran a survey which found that one in five employers were already using the internet to search for information on candidates," he told Reuters.

"Our advice is to exercise caution," he said. "Be careful about the more trivial stuff - photos of you in a drunken state, talking to friends about how you dislike your employer."

Badenoch & Clark's own research, which marked the fourth anniversary of Facebook's launch, showed that almost two thirds of British executives - 62 percent - were signed up to social networking sites.

Its survey showed that Londoners were the most prolific social networkers in Britain - 38 percent said they accessed the sites during office hours.

Public relations consultant Stephanie Bailey, cited in the survey, said: "I came off Facebook after about six months as the internet is such a public space and I felt extremely uneasy about people, including my employer and prospective employers, knowing my personal business."

The survey prompted an editorial in The Times newspaper under the warning headline: "Online, everyone can hear you scream."

It said: "This sort of snooping is legal. But it carries the upsetting risk of mass self-censorship in the one arena where ordinary people, unlike Reality TV freaks, had begun to feel comfortable wearing their hearts on their electronic sleeves."

But Powell warned against being too frightened to sign up in case Big Brother was watching.

"It can be a positive and reinforce what you say about yourself in your interview," Powell said. "Just be sure you are consistent."

- Reuters


NYC condom features 'Get some' phrase
NEW YORK - The official New York City condom has a different look and a sexy new slogan: New Yorkers are being encouraged to 'get some' on Valentine's Day. Street teams will be handing out the free condoms at busy hubs around the city on Thursday, including Times Square, Wall Street and near City Hall. And an ad campaign on television, radio and subways and buses will soon begin, featuring the 'Get some' catchphrase.

'We want to give away as many condoms as people will use because we're trying to make New York City an even safer place to have sex, and this is a powerful way to do it,' said Monica Sweeney, the Health Department's assistant commissioner for HIV prevention and control.

The city has made free condoms available for years, but last year revamped the package with a distinct look to encourage usage.

The first design was a black wrapper stamped with the letters 'NYC CONDOM' in the same font and bright colors used on city subway maps and signs.

Since it was launched a year ago, the Health Department has handed out more than 36 million condoms, or an average of 3 million each month.

Before the condom wrapper was redesigned, the city typically gave away 1.5 million condoms monthly.

The free condom initiative is part of the city's effort to reduce rates of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancies. About 100,000 of New York's 8.2 million residents have HIV or AIDS, and many more are diagnosed each year.

The new design unveiled Wednesday features the letters 'NYC' in black, inside three adjoining white circles. Underneath the 'NYC' is the word 'CONDOM,' with each letter in a different color. The wrapper is still black and the condom inside, from the Lifestyles brand, is the same.

Designer Yves Behar, founder of the San Francisco-based agency, fuseproject, created the wrapper's new look, which he said he wanted to be friendly and unintimidating.

The city said new condom dispensers, also designed by Behar, will be available for establishments that wish to distribute the condoms.

Currently, about 900 establishments — some restaurants, bars and salons but mostly nonprofit groups — offer the condoms, Sweeney said.

Last year, the city's condom campaign angered New York's top Catholic leaders, who said Mayor Michael Bloomberg's administration was promoting promiscuity by 'blanketing our neighborhoods with condoms.



DuckSoupForTheSoul Update
20080125

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day, "the bobby said.

The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could. "When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
--


TO ALL EMPLOYEES - EFFECTIVE JANUARY 2008

DRESS CODE
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

SMOKE BREAKS
1. Smoke breaks are taken at your own risk and time.
2. Smoking KILLS and your company cannot be held responsible while smoking in company time.
3. When ever a smoke break is taken this is classed as unpaid time or leave as the company can and will not be part of the cause of your death or associated with it in any way.

LUNCH BREAKS
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

----------

A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?" Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box". "Very good," says the teacher "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit". Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. "Very good" says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?" Freddie replies "Playing with Becky in the sand box". "Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit". Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. "Very good" says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says "Hello Ali, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?" "No" replies Ali, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names".

"Oh dear" says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit".
-----


A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here". "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.

"WOW!!! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "get your own damn blanket!".

There was a stunned silence. Then he farted.
----


MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS JOKE

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loudly did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.


----

Dear Wishee,

Holiday Greetings

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on her advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Privacy act).
--


INTERNATIONAL DATING SECRETS

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her, and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana Strip.

ARAB WOMEN
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab Community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.
----


A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls!"

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
-----


In school the lesson was about the word "contagious". The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?"

One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snow blower and blew all the snow into my neighbour's driveway." The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do, and besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson."

Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying 'It will take that contagious to shovel herself out.'"
-----


A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."

Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."

He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."

-----


Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.

She confronted him and said "Where were you these past couple of nights?"

He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman".

"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.<;/span>

Bill smiled slyly and said "Parkinson's disease!"

----


It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten.

The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie-Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid.

The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."

Meet Beautiful Singles Near You - Join Free Now!


20% off all FrenchFifty at CoutureCandy.com

The best games for your phone!

A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no otherchoice,she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a daintylittle fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said, in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again,the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

-----


One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched"

Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.

Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story...

Chris replies, "Don't fuck with my Uncle."

-----


One Afternoon at the Torch Light Inn, Chub Harper was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Jack: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest member.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.

---

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

--

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Johnny looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

--


How To Dance In The Rain

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's,arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.

He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch, and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I inquired as to her health; he told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are'?

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is'.

I had to hold back tears as he left; I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life'.

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message.

This one I thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, But how to dance in the rain.'


Can You Read the truth lies behind this misplaced words...

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.


-----

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends.

"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathised his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had though."

----

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."





Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" She asks. "No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.""I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write It down!" she says.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" So off he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"


----


Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down and grabbed her crotch, she said,
"Cut that out!"

He held out his hands and shuddered, "Ever seen one of these up close?"


-----


A guy had been sitting at the bar for quite a while, drinking all night. He says, "Bartender. Gimme another refill."

Bartender says, "I'm sorry, you've had way too much as it is. I gotta cut you off for the night."

Guy says, "I completely understand, but I'm telling you. I realize how much I've had to drink, and I know my tolerance. I'll be fine for one more drink."

Bartender says, "I'm really sorry, but I just can't serve you any more tonight. I mean look, you're too drunk to stand up."

Guy says, "Well, I can't think of a better way to prove it. I'll just stand up and walk a straight line across the bar, and you'll see that I'm fine for another drink." So the guy stands up off his bar stool, and as quick as he does, he falls flat on his face. He says to himself, "Well, maybe this bartender knows what he's talking about after all." He pulls himself up the rungs of the bar stool, puts himself back on his feet, and immediately falls flat on his face again. He says, "Well, bartender, I guess you're right. It's time for me to go home."

So he crawls out the front door, tries to stand up again, and falls flat on the ground again. He says, "Oh man, this sucks! I'm gonna have to crawl all the way home!" And he does. He crawls all the way home, into his bedroom, and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife nudges him and wakes him up. "Honey, were you out drinking last night?"

The guy says, "Sweetie, I don't know where you got that idea. I wasn't anywhere near that bar last night!"

Lady says, "Baby, don't lie to me. I know you were at the bar. The bartender just called. He said you left your wheelchair."

………


10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.



________________________________________
One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" says the rich guy. "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later" "I don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the cunt that pushed me in."

.

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."



________________________________________
THE GOOD WIFE GUIDE

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he is late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, He is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work.

Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach.

If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.

Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your promise to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.

In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a mans satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches /his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any more of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but registering any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply you night time face and hair products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

----


Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America uncertainty has now hit Japan, in the last 7 days: Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches, Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that clients and staff may get a raw deal.

---.

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's 'doing' her the Rev Mother comes in. "SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect! Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

----


Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they came to a staggering 50 pence.

Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.

Paul 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all' Mick 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's' Paul 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in -we haven't got any money!!'

Mick 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers' They had their drinks and Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.

At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me' Mick 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub...'


________________________________________
A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."

Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."

He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."

------.

THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!






So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a goddamn parking officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!! So I called him a horse fucker.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a fuck - my car was parked around the corner...


-----

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one who took our phone book."

----.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

----.

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

----



A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.

----.


This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

----


A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest, along with three boy scouts are in a plane that is going to crash. Well, there are only three parachutes total. The doctor says, "Let the kids have 'em.

The lawyer replies, "Fuck the kids."

The Priest says, "Do we have time?"




________________________________________
10 Ways to Ruin a First Date


1. Don't look like your picture. Post an old picture from when you were thinner or had more hair.
Or you could post a photo of someone else: your daughter (folks always say you could be twins, right?), a model you plucked from an online site (hey, didn't you say you always wanted to be a model?), or your "sort of" twin brother (non-identical).
2. Don't make any special effort to present yourself well. Dress for a first meeting the way you would for a Saturday night at home, rationalizing that you want to appear "real" and be liked for the way that you are.
Maybe it is a kindness to show, right up front, what your date's Saturday nights would be like if they were to marry you!
3. Be late. Nothing says you couldn't care less than to be late.
While arriving early might give you the advantage of being able to see your date before he/she sees you, being late implies you are too important to be polite.
4. Forget your wallet. Male or female, the "I forgot my wallet" schtick is the fastest route to being labeled cheap.
If you are a guy and this is a coffee date, springing for both cups is a bargain-rate way to look good. And ladies, men notice if you offer to pay, even if they insist on opening their wallet for your latte.
5. Use your cell phone. Go ahead, plunk your cell phone down on the table between the two of you, leave it on and answer every call, taking as long as you want while ignoring your date.
Cell phones are the best excuse for blanket rudeness that has been invented. They have no place on a date, except as a safety mechanism.
6. Brag. My grandma used to say "Don't brag," and when you are on a date, she was -- and is -- so right.
However, if you can't resist, talk about the price you paid for your car, flash your Rolex, and prop your implants on the table. Tell how important you are at work and how many men or women are dropping at your feet. See how your date reacts... if they are still at the table.
7. Complain. Whine. Grouse. Say how no one listens to you and you are looking for someone who will.
Go on and on about your health problems or, better yet, your dietary quirks. Then notice that your date is in such a rotten mood, whine about that, and chalk this date up to yet another one of those horrid experiences.
8. Be rude. To your date, and to everyone around you. Talk down to the waitperson and don't leave a tip. Complain to the management about the poor service. Ask your date what the last STD they had was or whether they are still fertile.
If you must, really pull out the stops and get all your orifices going: burp, pass gas, scratch scabs, pick your nose or blow it on your hand.
9. Try to get sexy. Tell your date that she is turning you on and you want to see her naked. Move in too close too fast, hugging, touching or kissing, despite what your date is signaling.
Grab his butt when you meet. Wear clothes that are too short, too tight and in general too slutty. Talk sexy and do it loud.
10. Tell dirty, racist or just plain poor-taste stories. You know that you are funny, especially after you have a couple of drinks. If it is a coffee date, then stop off for a couple of quick ones before you get there.
You know that men (or women) like a good sexy joke, so fire away. And most people think that racist or bathroom stories are hilarious, so your date should too. After all, you want a partner who can take a joke, don't you?

;)


We've all heard the phrase: " You learn something new everyday" Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak!

This actually happened at Harvard University. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
-------------------------


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says "Mrs Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produced a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
-- ----------


A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he is pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
-- -------



Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh.'"

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?' I said 'You've ruined my life you complete and utter FUCKING BITCH'"
-- ----------------


Thought this might bring a smile to your lips Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy God Mother".

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a young man, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect young man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me de-sexed now, don't you?"
-- ----------


A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved. His co-worker asked him how it went. "Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumours! That guy isn't my best friend... I don't even know him!"
-- --------


2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?"

"Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'"

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

-- --------

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' arse it won't be Coco Pops."
-- -------


A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a fucking cup of coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!" The trainee shouted back "And do you know who YOU are fucking talking to, you idiot?" "No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly. "Thank fuck for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
-- -----


A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"

-- ----

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, Honey.. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book when the cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real crazy one this time."
--


There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says: "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his.

He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are TWO".
--


A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. " The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."
--



A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the guy says. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
--

TALE OF A BMW DRIVER

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't Believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway (the driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)!

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane (why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?).

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 176 km/h enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 120 km/h. Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to go to court and show them. The man also said if I carried on like this they would take my drivers licence away! Can you imagine no need for a drivers licence?

See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!
--
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
--


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinite or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
--




A young man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived out in the bush. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?" Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as Palmolive can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like egg yolks. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as Palmolive can get them; now stop being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, the young man was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!" So Grandpa shouted, "PALMOLIVE, get out of the way!"
--





One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself".
--



A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Being a New York lawyer, he thinks that he's smarter than the deputy and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


________________________________________
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start fishing at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Moral of the Story:

Reasoning with a woman, you'll get back what you just gave.......
--



For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it!"

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike."
--


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!
--


It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.
--



One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
--






Clubs of America

Discovery Planet Earth 11 Part DVD Set

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." "Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.

Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
--



A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the New Zealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear..........

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
--







Hit Movies Under $10

Click. Work. Collect

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1025."
--

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says "That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."
--


Imagine Great Things - Now Create Them!

USEFULL PHRASES FOR THE OFFICE

- I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter
- Your idea seems reasonable... time to up my medication.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. - I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
- Thankyou - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I'm really easy to get along well with once you people learn to worship me.

--


A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one who took our phone book."



Your Chance to Win a Chance at $100,000!


An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, the manager said, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by Microsoft."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he buys a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket.

In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

Thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support this expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned. "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" "Well," replied the tomato millionaire, "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!"
--


"What was all the crashing and banging?" asked the passenger. "The train ran over a cow," said the ticket collector. "Was it on the line?" he replied. "No, we had to chase it up the embankment but we got it eventually."



An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...CLICK...empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, The African repeats the ritual.... CLICK...empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.

The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?" The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."
--



A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 Inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
--




A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me" , he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody didn't"
--


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
--



Apparently this one is a true story... like all the rest of em too eh!!? A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
--


THE REASON I FIRED MY SECRETARY

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.
--


An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building,"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much!" Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
--


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
--




Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman. Little boy looks her over and turns to his daddy and says"She is really big and fat isn't she daddy?" The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down. In a few minutes the little boy yells out; "She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!"

The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tell his son; "We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don't do it again." The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman's beeper went off. He then yelled: "Look out daddy, she is backing up!"
--



The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
--







DuckSoupForTheSoul Update!

20070301

Special Invitation To Join SuccessChef Pre-Launch

------

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh".

………………


There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says:

"Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his.

He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are TWO".




Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the Stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the big bad wolf just blew down my house!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!!

So the straw pig and the stick Pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up the wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and blew the wolfs head off. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry butt into the creek then got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the heck were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... The Guinea Pigs. "Gotta love those Italians."


Start driving traffic to your site with MIVA

Beautiful russian brides

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked. "Nahh" said the bloke... "I'm just a really bad conductor."

Jackpot City
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of it.

This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.

A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

…………..


Three men go into a hotel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30 so each man paid $10 and toddled off to the room. A while later the man behind the desk realised he'd overcharged for the room - was only supposed to be $25 so he sent the bellboy to refund the $5.

On the way the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between three men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself. This means that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a Total of $27 add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29. Where is the other dollar?

Get Paid to Blog About the Things You Love
A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied. "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt!"

………..

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner than she flopped down in front of the TV, her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're STILL not ready?"


Meet Latin Singles Near You - Join Free Now!
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, discharged and shoot him right in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony... he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Free IQ Test!

Karmaloop LLC
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. " The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

Click Here to shop at eBay.co.uk
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" asked one. "Not yet," said the mother.

"I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?""No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM OK!?"

……..


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art.

It's perfect." "Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

Westfalia - Das Spezialversandhaus


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

……… .


A young man calls on his new girl for a first date. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response.

"That's how they communicate!, Mum was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."

Gold Roses - Real roses dipped in 24kt gold
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Click Here for U.S. Immigration Kits

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes," said Michael, "My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking!"

………


Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other. The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No shit?"

Wanted! Professionals Seeking $80,000 to $500,000+
For his birthday little Matty asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but we've got a $500k mortgage on the house and your mother just lost her job. There's just no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Matty told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $500k mortgage and no fucking bike!"
………………


One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?" "Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"



A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

………


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

www.elcuban.com
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment!" He replies, "You have perfect eyesight!"

………..


A starving songwriter/composer in Hollywood is approached by a movie producer an offered $10,000 to write a soundtrack for a movie. The musician asked what kind of movie however the producer is evasive and said it was just a romance of sorts and that the sound track needed to be about an hour long but he wasn't too picky as long as it sounded ok.

After he delivers the soundtrack to the producer he is disgusted to find out that he has just written the score to a porno film.

About 6 months later the movie comes out at the local porno theatre and the composer decides what the hell and he'll go see it. He dresses up in a long raincoat and hat with dark glasses and sneaks into the theatre. He notices that there is a couple close to him who keeps looking at him. He says to them, hey I'm really not a pervert it's just I'm a composer and this producer asked me to write a score for him and he didn't tell me it was a porno movie.

They turned to him and said, "Think nothing of it; we're just here to see our dog!"

…………


It is important to find a woman who can cook well and clean the house.

It is important to find a woman who makes lots of money.

It is important to find a woman who enjoys sex.

It is VERY VERY important that these 3 women never meet each other!!!

…
Ukraine women Ukraine bride

FOR THOSE WHO REED AND RIGHT

20061127

I'VE LEARNED...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arseholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect and teach your children the right way, they will eventually be corrupted by some other bastard's kid.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never fuck off.

………………


A man has three sons and he gives them each a duck to go and sell. After about 5 hours the three boys return, and the father asks how they went.

The first boy says "I got 20 bucks for my duck" "that's great" the father replies.

The second boy says " I got 50 bucks for mine" "that's even better" says the father.

Then the third boy says "well I got 100 bucks for mine" and the father says "fucking hell how did you get that much?"

"Well" replies the boy "I was walking down the street and I came across a prostitute and she said that she would give me a fuck for the duck. When we were done she said I was so good that she would give me the duck back for another root. After we were done I was walking down the street and the duck jumped out of my hands and run onto the road, and SPLAT it got hit by a truck. The truck driver stopped and said he was real sorry and gave me 100 bucks for killing the duck. So I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 100 bucks for a fucked up duck."

……………… .



When Sister Marlena entered the Convent of Silence, Abbess said, "Sister,this is a silent convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Marlena lived in the convent for 5 years before the Abbess said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years you can speak two words."

Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbess said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, the Abbess called Sister Marlena into her office. "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena."

"Cold food," said Sister Marlena. The Abbess assured her that the food would be better in the future... On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbess again called Sister Marlena into her office.

"Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Sister Marlena.

"It is probably best," said the Abbess, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.
…………………


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

………………



TRUE FACT: Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.

THEREFORE: Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."

CONCLUSION: Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big dick.

……………… .



The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."

…………………


A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes, how did you figure that out?" The girl says "Easy! You keep washing your hands!"

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very surprised, he says "Yes, I sure am a great dentist - How did you figure that out??" The girl says "Easy! I didn't feel a thing!"

…………………


A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

………………


The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you’re that far along you might as well finish the job."
-------------------------



A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

-------------------------


Italy funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is wider than its shaft. The study took two years and cost over 180,000,000 lira. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect.

After three year of research and cost in excess of 250,000,000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, the Irish decided to conduct their own study. The Irish didn't really trust the Italian or French studies.

So after nearly three days of intensive research and at a cost of approximately 36 quid, the Irish study came to the final conclusion that the reason that the head of a man's penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand flying off and hitting your forehead.
-------------------------




Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.

So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not fucking going.'
--


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
--

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
---------------


FOR THOSE WHO REED AND RIGHT

- We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox becomes oxen not oxes.
- One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
- You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
- If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
- If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
- If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
- Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
- We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
- Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
- Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.
- There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
- English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.
- But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
- And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
- Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
- If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
- If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
- In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
- Have noses that run and feet that smell?
- How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
- You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
- If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOTKNOWN?

---




Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."


---


A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"

…………………………………..

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

…………………………………..

USEFULL PHRASES FOR THE OFFICE
- I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter
- Your idea seems reasonable... time to up my medication.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
- Thankyou - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I'm really easy to get along well with once you people learn to worship me.

…………………………………..

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins:

Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, just the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate sux men who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodile and wrestled him to du ground and killed em with my bare hends"

Jerry from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today."

Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.


----

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle.

…………………

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.


One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

…………………………………..

10 THINGS YOU'LL WISH YOU DIDN'T KNOW

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/2 litre of urine.
2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
3. An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept!
5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.

…………………………………..

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY NATHAN!"

……………………………………..

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?", she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Well it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He lived and, with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again....

……………………………………..

Breaking: MySpace Backlash Sighted In Mainstream Media!
http://www.businessweek.com/innovate/FineOnMedia/

PC World publishes list of 25 Worst Web Sites . As always when these lists are done in a halfway decent manner, the article is well worth wasting fifteen minutes on.

So what's at #1, topping the likes of boo.com, flooz.com, the unbelievably annoying spyware trojan horse Bonzi Buddy and bidforsurgery.com?

Let's let the editors tell it, because if you subtract 10% of the annoyed-grandpa tone (and the way they have to play the sexual predator card) they're on to something:

Yes, we know. With more than 90 million users, MySpace is now more popular than Elvis, "American Idol," and ice cream. But the Web's most visited destination is also its most poorly designed and counterproductive.

The ease with which anyone of any age can create a page, upload photos, share deeply personal details of their lives, and make new "friends" quickly turned MySpace into a one-stop shopping mall for online predators. That in turn has made the site an easy target for politicians who pander for votes by playing on parental fears. In an era when the basic tenets of the Net are under attack by both Ma Bell and Uncle Sam, MySpace is a headache we don't need.

But let's put all that aside for a moment. Graphically, many MySpace pages look like a teenager's bedroom after a tornado--a swirl of clashing backgrounds, boxes stacked inside other boxes, massive photos, and sonic disturbance. Try loading a few of those pages at once and watch what happens to your CPU. Watch out for spyware, too, since it turns out that MySpace has become a popular distribution vector for drive-by downloads and other exploits. And in a place where "U are soooooooo hot!!!" passes for wit, MySpace isn't doing much to elevate the level of social discourse.

In response to a public backlash and some well-publicized lawsuits, MySpace has begun modifying its policies--for example, limiting adults' ability to contact minors. That's hardly enough. Requiring some kind of authentication from MySpacers--or their parents--to validate their ages and identities would go a long way toward scaring off the creeps and making the site a kinder, gentler social network.

Is MySpace totally bad? Not at all. Are we old farts? Yeah, probably. But the Web's most popular site needs a serious security reboot. And probably a makeover. Until then, MySpace won't ever be OurSpace.
01:06 PM
September 15, 2006
http://www.businessweek.com/innovate/FineOnMedia/archives/2006/09/breaking_myspac.html#comments

Duck Soup For The Soul #002 Update
20060416



TIMES... THEY ARE A CHANGING...

SCENARIO: Jack starts a fight with John at school.
THEN: A large group of boys form around the two, they beat the shit out of each other, they shake hands and the next day they are best mates.
NOW: The police are called. They arrest John and Jack. All cellular phones with videos of the fight are confiscated as evidence. Both are charged with assault. Both are suspended, even though Jack started the fight. The parents are summoned for consultation and the other children who saw the fight get trauma counselling. The video of the fight is available on YouTube.

SCENARIO: Jack disrupts the class because he cannot sit down and shut up.
THEN: Jack gets a hiding. He can still not sit down because his arse got a spanking, but he shuts up, finishes school and becomes a successful businessman.
NOW: Jack is is tested for ADD then put on Ritalin because he is hyperactive. He becomes a zombie. Jack cannot cope and leaves school in the 8th grade.

SCENARIO: Jack throws a stone and breaks a neighbour's window.
THEN: Jack gets a spanking. He has to work in the neighbour's garden for a week and get a job to pay for the window.
NOW: Jack gets a spanking. His father is arrested for child abuse. Jack is placed in foster-care. The psychiatrist convinces Jack's sister that her father sexually abused her and their father goes to jail. Jack's parents get divorced because the psychiatrist fucks Jack's mother.

SCENARIO: Jack fails English at school.
THEN: He attends extra English classes, passes school and graduates from university.
NOW: The teacher is blamed for the failure. A local human right's group takes up his case. They determine that compulsory English at school is blatant racism. It becomes a major political issue. A case is made against the school and the Department of Education. English is removed from the curriculum. Jack's passes school very well, but mows lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

SCENARIO: Jack takes firecrackers, makes a bomb and blows up an anthill.
THEN: The ant hill is fucked. Thousands of ants are killed.
NOW: The animal protection groups are called in. Jack is arrested and charged with urban terrorism and cruelty to animals. His parents are placed under surveillance. Jack's younger brothers and sisters are taken away from home. Their computers are confiscated. Jack's father is placed on a list of terrorists. He is fired and cannot get another job. The family starves.

SCENARIO: Jack falls and scuffs his knee during break. His teacher dries his tears, cleans the knee and gives him a hug.
THEN: Jack soon feels better and by second break he is running around again.
NOW: Jack's teacher is accused of being a paedophile. She loses her job. She receives a suspended sentence. Jack receives therapy for five years and becomes a faggot.

----

If You Love Someone...

THE ORIGINAL
If you love someone… set them free.
If they come back… they’re yours.
If they don't… they were never yours.

Other Versions…

PESSIMIST
If you love someone… set her free.
If she ever comes back… she's yours.
If she doesn't, as expected, she's never was.

OPTIMIST
If you love someone… set her free.
Don't worry, she will come back.

SUSPICIOUS
If you love someone… set her free… if she ever comes back, ask her why.
If you love someone… set her free… but get someone to follow her.
If you love someone… are you sure you love THAT someone.

GO-GETTER
If you love someone… set her free.
If she comes back… she's yours… if she doesn't, go get her!

HUNTER
If you love someone… set her free...
Don't even wait to see whether she comes back… go hunt her down.

IMPATIENT
If you love someone… set her free.
If she doesn't comes back within an hour… forget her.

PATIENT
If you love someone… set her free.
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

PLAYFUL
If you love someone… set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat.

----.


A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
----


There was this parrot that lived in a monastery and enjoyed cursing. Each time he cursed the monk would threaten to punish him. One day when the old monk passed by the parrot screamed, "Fuck You!"

Angry, the monk grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer for 5 minutes. When he was released, the tropical bird swore that he would never do it again.

A couple of days had passed, the bird couldn't hold it in any longer and started to curse at a group of monks passing by.

Embarrassed in front of his colleagues, the monk shoved the bird in the freezer again, this time for an hour. When he was released, the bird swore that he had really learned his lesson.

A week later, the monk walked up to the bird and reminded him of his promise. The monk said that a high priest was coming for a visit and the bird ought to be on his best behaviour. The parrot agreed. But when the parrot saw the high-priest with a shining bald head, the bird had to make a comment, "Ha-ha-ha! Look at that bald dickhead! Fuck You! Fuck You!"

The monk rushed forward and shoved the animal in the freezer. Three hours later he was released.

"Well, have you truly learned your lesson?" asked the monk.

"BBBBBefore IIIIII answer that, may, may I ask youuuuu something?" responded the frozen bird.

"Of course." said the monk.

"WWWhat the fuckin' HELL did the turkey do to have to stay there for so long?"

----.


A guy and his girl are walking home from the bar one night and start screwing up against a fence.

Suddenly the fence gives way and they both fall into a garden.
The owner of the house comes out, looks at them and says, "You're gonna pay for that!"

The guy says to his girl, "What do you think, wanna go halves on the cost?"

"Why should I pay?" says his girl. "I was pushing the other way!"

-----


TOLL GATE BOOTH PASTE

The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig and plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh that was tollgate booth paste."

-----.


A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fix-it Service and they arrived shortly after.

The service man opened the hood and after a while the repair man said, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The man replies, "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

----


THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING...

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot. Well skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation.

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm going check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm going take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm going wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

----


Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Aboriginal.

So Johnny says "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fucking thing!"
..

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.... " Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
……


A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. "Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"
……


Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
…..


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!"
…


THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember THINK before you speak!!!!!

Duck Soup For The Soul #001
20060125

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asked. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman. "Fair enough," said the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stared into space for a while then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"
--



The Arab & The Jew

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find an old Jewish man sitting at a card table with 50 neckties laid out on it.

The Arab said, “My thirst is killing me. Please .. do you have any water?”

The Jew replied, “I have no water. But would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150 This one goes nicely with your robes.”

“The Arab shouted, “Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!”

“OK,” said the old Jew, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I’ll show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. The restaurant has abundant water!”

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man’s tie table.

The Jew said, “I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?”

“I found it,” rasped the Arab. “But your brother wouldn’t let me in without a tie!
--


POLICE RESPONSE

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
--


Guess which one I'm going to marry…

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, the red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."
--


FRIENDSHIP: MEN VS. WOMEN

FRIENDSHIP AMONGST WOMEN: one doesn't come home one night, and tells her boyfriend that she spent the night with a female friend of hers. Boyfriend calls 10 of her friends and none know a thing.

FRIENDSHIP AMONGST MEN: same thing happens. Man says he spent the night at a friends place. Girlfriend calls 10 of his friends. 8 confirm he has been there, and the two others say he's still there.
--

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the joint!
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line "Did you see me rob this Bank?"
The customer replies "YES!"
The bank robber raises his gun points it to his head and BANG!! SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD!! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????"
The man calmly responds "No... but my wife did!"

--

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah." The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
--


A man named Leroy is drinking in a bar and President Clinton is giving an address on the radio in the background. Leroy looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, me and Bill go a long way back, used to hang out together and do alot of fun things before he became President..." The bartender looks at him and tells him he doesn't believe him. Leroy asks for the phone, dials the White House and asks for "Bill"; he talks for awhile joking and laughing and presently hands the phone to the bartender who is flabbergasted to be talking to the President of the United States.

A couple of weeks later, Leroy comes back into the bar. They are watching a golf tournament and Jack Nichlas comes on the screen for a putt. Leroy is like"Yeah, ole Jack and I go way back..." At this the bartender figures Leroy is full of it so he bets him 20 dollars that Leroy is trying to put one over on him. Leroy grabs the phone and dials and presently is talking animatedly with someone who seems to be named Jack. Bartender steals a glance at the TV screen and sure enough, Jack is talking on a cellular phone; Leroy hands over the phone and the bartender just shakes his head as he discovers that sure enough, it IS Jack on the phone and hands over his 20 dollars.

About a week later Leroy comes in once again and this time the Pope is on the television giving a televised benediction. Leroy is like "Yeah, the Pope and I go way back, to before he became Pope" and now the bartender is sure that he has him. After the bet the men purchase flights and head for Rome for the moment of truth because the bartender is thinking the phone won't be good enough for this one.

They are standing in the crowd at the Vatican watching the Pope and as the Pope finishes the Mass, Leroy works his way through the crowd, up the steps, and the bartender is amazed to see him shake hands and the conversation appears to be that which would be expected between long acquaintances.

Presently, Leroy and the Pope come out into the crowd to meet the bartender and Leroy sees the bartender sprawled flat on his back, passed out cold, and looking pale. He splashes water over his face and shakes him until the bartender finally starts to come out of it. "What happened?" asked Leroy.

The bartender replied: "While you were talking to his holiness, some little old lady tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I knew who that was up there talking to Leroy..."

--




A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says... "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
--

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!" "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
<;/span>
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!"

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"


--

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds, they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine." The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

--

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments asked,

"How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"

--

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.

This time, she comes back pretty messed up - she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine... it was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata ?????!!!"

--

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating Enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, If they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do It?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his Member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

--


A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"

The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."

--

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."

The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.

The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek. "You gotta a light man?"

--


There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Hey, is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns and says, "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
--


A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. "Beertits," he said.
;--


A man and a wife had recently dropped their six-year old girl off at a friend's house for a slumber party. It was the first time that they had let the girl sleep over at someone's house so they were very worried about the whole thing. On the way home they discuss their worries and decide that it will be okay for the girl since they know she's only a phone call away. Then a semi-truck runs head-on into their car.

The man awakes hours later to find himself in a hospital bed. He takes a look around and then calls for a nurse. The nurse comes into his room and says, "Good you're awake! I'll get the doctor".

The doctor comes in a few minutes later and talks to the man about what happened. "Well, Mr. Johnson, you were in a head-on car collision in which you broke your right fibula and your right shoulder was dislocated. We have set your shoulder for you and in a few weeks you should be back on your feet and fine again".

The man replies, "That's great news doc. I've never broken a bone before and I was worried about why I couldn't move my right arm or leg, I thought I had a stroke!" The man can tell that the doctor is waiting for something and then it hits him. His wife! The man asks, "Doctor what about my wife? She was in the car with me, is she alright?"

The doctor's face turns grave. He starts, slowly, "Well, your wife is in worse shape then you are. She's been paralysed from the neck down and will probably never walk again. I wish I didn't have to say this but you will have to change a lot of the daily things you do to accommodate her back at your household. It will also take a large monetary commitment to ensure her well-being. She will have to be fed, walked around, cared for, bathed, and watched over at most hours of the day. I know this must come as a large shock for you but I want you to know that if there's anything you want to ask me while I'm here, please ask away."

The man is silent for minutes. He then replies, "Well doctor, if that's the way it is, then that's the way it will have to be. I love my wife very much and I will have to sacrifice my own comfort to ensure she lives in the best condition she can. I will do whatever it takes and personally account for her bathing, feeding, and making sure she stays in the best possible spirits"

The doctor then says, "I'm just kidding - she's dead!"



---


A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
…


Fred staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Fred sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them on as best he could each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Fred woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Fred said, "Why you say such a mean thing!?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror...!!"
…


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house."


---

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a carport, and not need one."

"I mean, what are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her."

"Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white."

"Why do you want this divorce?" "She is going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?" "I got proof."

"What kind of proof?" "She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: Polish Remover".
……



One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S&M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S&M magazine and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

……


"Ya know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In St Andrews there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Killarney, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman & Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "but it did happen to me sister."


---

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse... ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time... bring POSSE!!”


---

A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, "Mum I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says, "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mum and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mum with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him... "pussy and bitch".

Dad says, "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Everything outside that circle!"
…




THE RESULTS ARE IN...

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.


Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M READY FOR SEX?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.


Q: SHOULD I HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE?
A: YES. Before, if possible.


Q: WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENS DURING THE ACT OF SEX?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.


Q: HOW LONG SHOULD THE SEX ACT LAST?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.


Q: WHAT IS "AFTERPLAY"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.


Q: DOES THE SIZE OF THE PENIS MATTER?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.


Q: WHAT ABOUT THE FEMALE ORGASM?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.


---


"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends.

"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathised his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied.

"Toughest spelling test I ever had though."

…



An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."



---

A black guy walks into a bar with a Parrot on his shoulder, they walk up to the bar and the Parrot orders a Strawberry Daquiri. The bartender is amazed and says "Wow! That's pretty cool, where'd you find him?" And the Parrot replies "In Africa! They're everywhere!"
--


My wife was in the kitchen making soft-boiled eggs for breakfast yesterday morning. I walked in and said "Morning baby? what's for breakfast?" She turns to me and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment". If ya'll know me, I thinking, damn it's my lucky day, so I stand her over the kitchen table and have some Sunday morning sex. Afterwards I looked at her and said, "What was that all about?" She smirks as she smiles and says "The egg timer's broken!"

--



A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened - no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too?
--


36 RULES FOR BANDS

1.Never start a trio with a married couple.
2.Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3.Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4.No one cares who you've opened for...
5.A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6.If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7.When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8.If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9.Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10.Don't say your video's being played if it's only on public access.
11.When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12.When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14.Never name your band after a song.
15.When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY!
16.Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17.Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18.Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19.It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
20.No one cares that you have a website.
21.Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
22.Don't hire a publicist.
23.Playing in St.Cloud and Mankato doesn't mean you're on tour.
24.Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
25.Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
26.Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
27.If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
28.We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
29.Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
30.If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
31.Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
32.Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
33.Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
34.Rock oxymoron's; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
35. 3 things that are never coming back:
a) gongs,
b) headbands, and
c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
36.No one believes it when you say that this is the best audience out of any town/city/country you've played for.


--


Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what - metal, wood, stone - everything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. The third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??
--


An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job; Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

No. 3 samurai stepped forward, released a fly, and drew his sword. SWOOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but continued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. But circumcision - that takes skill!"
--


A man walks into the bank of Ireland and shouts to the woman at the counter: "I want to open a fucking bank account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you - what did you say?" "Listen up, you fuck. I said I want to open a fucking bank account - right now!!" demands the man.

The shocked woman remembers her training and says "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank, I will get you my Manager".

The cashier leaves the counter and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no fucking problem" the man says. "I just won 15 million dollars in the fucking lotto and I just want to open a fucking bank account, you stupid fuck... is that okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat ugly bitch giving you a hard time?"
--


Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fagot." "Oh really? Hmm... didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a fagot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."

The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fagot!" "Oh, Wow, I didn't know that. Thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right - he's unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I'll really piss him off, you just watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said... "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Aye, that's what your buddies were just telling me..."

--

An elderly man in North Queensland owned a large property. He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He called out and made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the crocodile..."

Moral: Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.


--

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in... you look like an arsehole!"

--

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

--

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life". "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right". "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?" "A Harley". And with that the journalist says goodbye and leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: "BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."



BRUCES LETTER

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Bruce , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Bruce.

---


An Amish Farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Translated: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, then speak in the accursed English language."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
---


25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on - don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."





A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "'No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye!"

--
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were... 'fuck or drown'".

--


A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out...?" "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

--

A cocky US Department of Agriculture inspector drove up in a fancy white truck and told the farmer "I need to inspect your farm."

The farmer reluctantly but confidently said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder." The inspector said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land. No questions asked, and no questions answered. Have I made myself clear?" The farmer nodded politely and went about his chores.

Some half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams for help and looked up to see the inspector running for the fence pursued by his prize bull, which was gaining with every step. The farmer immediately put down his feed buckets, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

--

"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"

--
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left". Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fare way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for the Presidency of the United States."

---



A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"Arr what do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." Bartender, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate, "Arrr well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." Bartender says, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate says, "Arr I was in another fight. When I boarded the other ship me hand was cut off in a sword fight. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender says, "What about that eye patch?" Pirate says, "Arrr ah, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit right in me eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird shit."?
Pirate says, 'Arrr well no, it was my first day with the hook.

---

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them." "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says. "No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them," the man says.

The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars for the system, including installation" the sales guy says. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously. "No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure," the guy says.

He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her... I'm doing to his business!"
--

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic.

A while later he returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool...

Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
-----------------------------------

A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
--

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship... maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Wow. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment... maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scum balls.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)" "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says. There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"



--
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The consequence of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+!
-----------------------------------------------

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
-----------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink." "Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian." "You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back." So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink." "I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink. After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast. "YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?" The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges. After this she asks "Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?" "THANK YOU GOD!!!" the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!" At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"

--
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" says the husband.

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing!" replied the drunk.

----------

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

--
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologising for taking so long.

He asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold... and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her "Happy Birthday"!!!

--

There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven. Since it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place would be, he decided to stop there for the night, and satisfy his curiosity about the name at the same time.

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business." "It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely especially being an old widower. And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even; and when he was finished she still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?" "Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breath-taking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want." "I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of travelling, so I pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and got rid of her, he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous redhead in a negligee to end all negligees. "I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable." "It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it myself?" "If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."

--


What Porno's Would Have You Believe...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.



-------------

A guy walks into a pub with 5 of his mates. He goes up to the bar to order the first round and notices two bits of meat suspended from a rail 5 feet above the bar. He says to the barman "What's the story with those bits of meat above the bar",

The barman replies "it's a special challenge that we have on tonight. If you can jump up and kick those bits of meat then you and your mates can have free drink all night however, if you try it and fail then you have to buy everyone in the pub drinks all night".

The guy double checks with the barman "If I can jump up and kick those bits of meat then me and my 5 mates can have free bevy all night?" "That's right" replies the barman. "But if I try to do it and miss then I have to buy the whole pub drink all night".

"Correct again" replies the barman. So the guy looks up at the meat, looks down at the floor, back up at the meat, back down to the floor. "I think I'll leave it" he says.

"Why" says the barman. The man pauses for a moment and says "BECAUSE THE STEAKS ARE TOO HIGH."

-----------

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call!"

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman...

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??"

-------

"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered little Johnny. "You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"
--------

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

--

A young man went to sea for the first time. After they were out about a week, he began to get horny. He asked his bunkmate, "What do you do for sex on this ship?" The guy told him, "You see that barrel on the bow of the ship?" "Yes." "We'll, you can use it." "How?" "Just go up there and stick your dick into one of those holes and you'll be taken care of." "Man, I don't know about that!" "Okay."

So another few days go by and he's really getting in bad shape. So he goes out to the bow, looks to see if anybody's looking and seeing that there's nobody watching him, drops his pants and sticks his dick in the hole. He's surprised as to how good it feels.

So he goes back to his cabin and tells his buddy about it and the guy says, "I told you so!" He asks him, "How often can I use it?" "As often as you like, everyday except Thursday.""Why not Thursday?" "Because that's your day in the barrel."

---------

A young man went into a brothel for the first time. He stares at the floor rather nervously waiting for the madam to arrive to help him.

When she arrives, she says, "What'll it be?" Having not done anything before, he shifts around a bit staring at the floor not knowing what to say when it just comes out. "I've never done anything like this before, I'm not sure what to ask for."

Recognising his newness at this, she lights up with delight, knowing he'll for sure be a return customer in the future. She says "Oh sweetie, we've got around the world, missionary, doggie, 69, and..." He interrupts and said, "Wait, that 69 thing sounds interesting." "Oh darling." she gleams with delight. "You'll just LOVE it! I'll set you up with Maria." "Just relax and go with the flow. Go upstairs, second door on the left, and Maria will be right with you."

Maria, in the meantime was walking her way back from a big Mexican lunch. She arrives, and the madam tells her she has a new kid to the scene, what he's asking for and to give him something to remember.

When she gets to the room, she smiles a sexy smile and tells him to get undressed and lay down on the bed. She's very beautiful and his dick gets hard in a second. She smiles, climbs on and starts going at it 69 style when the Mexican lunch starts to kick in. Being a pro and all, she holds it in thinking this guy would be done in no time and she could relive herself then.

After a few minutes the kid is still moaning and licking away when she feels this RRRRRRRRGGGGGGBBRR building up in her intestines from that lunch. After rocking around trying to dislodge the air, she figures he doesn't know much, and maybe she could ease one out without him noticing, seeing his nose is in her ass anyway. She can't hold it anymore and a little 'fffft' slips out. Her eyes roll around in relief.

The kids head pulls back, face all scrunched up and he's blowing air. She stops and thinks quickly of a way to dismiss it or take his attention away. She lifts her head up and asks, "Doesn't that feel good when I do that baby?" "Yeah, uh, sure. I guess so," came a reply from her ass side. Not knowing what the hell he was supposed to expect, he didn't say anything else. And they resume.

After a few more minutes, they're both moaning and groaning and going at it a little hotter when that lunch starts moving around some again, and more rumbling is going on. She tried rocking around again to help move the pressure building. She thinks to herself that he didn't say anything about the first one, maybe she could ease another one out to get rid of the pressure. She pushes a little bit while she's rocking and grinding around and gets a bigger 'ffffggch'. She moans in bliss.

Instantly, his head snaps back, his eyes are watering, face crunched up and he's blowing harder shaking his head at the same time. She lifts her head up and once again asks him, is everything alright honey, don't you like that? Isn't it hot?" He's choking a bit, but manages to slur out, "Yeah, it sure is." Not being able to see his face, she thinks she's in the clear and they proceed. Proud of herself for not getting caught, she's happy and really goes to town blowing his dick. He in turn returns the passion because she really was starting to squirm around this whole time, and he thinks he must be doing something right getting this pro to squirm.

She's surprised at his lasting power. About ten minutes later, she's been rocking around on him in both pleasure and as a means to keep the gas from building up in one spot because she's starting to get gas pains again. She holds on as long as she possibly can but her intestines are really rumbling and she can't hold it anymore. After all he's new and he didn't say a thing about the first two. She tries to let out another small one but it had built up too much and she lets go with a loud and wet 'PPPPBBBRRBBBBPPPPPP'.

He's gagging before his head comes back, and with her lying on top of him, he's thrashing his head from side to side gasping trying to blow air and find fresh air practically at the same time. "What's the matter baby, isn't that good; isn't that hot?" She asks. "Yeah, it sure is, but I don't think I can take 66 more of them things."


A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great!" he thinks. "What a good place to be today." He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong.

He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. "I am surely blessed", the man thinks. "Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me." The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?" "Anything your eminence. What is it?" "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

--------------------------------------

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday..."

--------------------------------------

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realised that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.

While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple!"

--------------------------------------

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?" "Dunno... Never found the head!"

--------------------------------------

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sisters!' and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

--------------------------------------

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

The first guy begins, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

And then the second guy pipes in with, "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Then the third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy smiles, puts his feet up and says, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" ...and she said, "Wear sun-block."

----------------------------------------

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

The teacher, not buying into his nonsense, sent the boy off to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then the principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" So he did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did! You scared the shit out of him!"

--------------------------------------

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!".

-----------------------------------------

How to select the right candidate for right job

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in reception

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick

has been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.


And then last but not least......

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved..... Congratulate them and put them in top management.

--------------------------------------

SHIT

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head... Well, Shit Happens!!!


One night, a police officer was staking out a particular rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he was able to start his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded: "how can this be?" The driver replied: "Because tonight, officer, I'm the designated decoy!"

-----------------------------------------

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

-----------------------------------------

A grandson came to visit his grandparents and noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed. Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. Grandpa looked at him and said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea..."
-------------------------------------

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said. "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me screw you." But the girl said "NO!".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened...?" She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"
--------------------------------------

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."
--------------------------------------

A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would give her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy and secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked, "How will you know when the baby is born?" To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey, you received a very strange post card today," she said. "Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
---------------------------------------

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" He replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
-------------------------------------

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him so he pulls a compass out of his pencil case and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his compass out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out the compass and stabs himself.

Later on in the evening he wakes up in the inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones "You've let me down, you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down"

---------------------------------

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade; listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

--------------------------------------

A tired truck driver is driving into a country town late one night when he comes over a crest and accidently hits 2 aboriginals walking on the road. One of them went through the windscreen and the other bounced off the bullbar into the scrub. The shocked truck driver hurried to the nearest police station to report the accident and the officer on duty told the driver not to worry. He said " We'll charge one with Break & Enter and the other with Leaving The Scene Of An Accident."



--
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says. "You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid.

"Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up, Love?" he asks.

"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness and then drink it all..." she cries. The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love... I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."
--

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK," the nun says, "pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But, when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
------------------------------------

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
--------------------------------------

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
--------------------------------------

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".
--

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda.' When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

----------------------------------

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink." "Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian." "You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back." So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink." "I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink. After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast. "YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?" The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges. After this she asks "Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?" "THANK YOU GOD!!!" the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!" At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"
-----------------------------------------------

A baby girl is mysteriously dropped off at an orphanage in Cleveland in 1945. "Jane" grows up lonely and dejected, not knowing who her parents are, until one day in 1963 she is strangely attracted to a drifter. She falls in love with him. But just when things are finally looking up for Jane, a series of disasters strike. First, she becomes pregnant by the drifter, who then disappears. Second, during the complicated delivery, doctors find that Jane has both sets of sex organs, and to save her life, they are forced to surgically convert "her" to a "him." Finally, a mysterious stranger kidnaps her baby from the delivery room.

Reeling from these disasters, rejected by society, scorned by fate, "he" becomes a drunkard and drifter. Not only has Jane lost her parents and her lover, but he has lost his only child as well. Years later, in 1970, he stumbles into a lonely bar, called Pop's Place, and spills out his pathetic story to an elderly bartender. The sympathetic bartender offers the drifter the chance to avenge the stranger who left her pregnant and abandoned, on the condition that he join the "time travellers corps." Both of them enter a time machine, and the bartender drops off the drifter in 1963. The drifter is strangely attracted to a young orphan woman, who subsequently becomes pregnant.

The bartender then goes forward 9 months, kidnaps the baby girl from the hospital, and drops off the baby in an orphanage back in 1945. Then the bartender drops off the thoroughly confused drifter in 1985, to enlist in the time travellers corps. The drifter eventually gets his life together, becomes a respected and elderly member of the time travellers corps, and then disguises himself as a bartender and has his most difficult mission: a date with destiny, meeting a certain drifter at Pop's Place in 1970.
-----------------------------------------------

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
-----------------------------------------------

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."

Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!" The man replied, "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!" And with that, the man let go of her. "Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again.

Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!" The man asked, "Do you fuck?" Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't fuck!"

Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I fuck!" "Slut!" the man said, and dropped her.
-----------------------------------------------

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?!

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this answer, I end it? Now you see why it takes 3-7 times as long to learn English as it does to learn Spanish and why English sucks!!
--------------------------------------

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked beside them. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.


--

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinite or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
--

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The Shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts..."

---

It's 3am, and the man is driving his brand new BMW M3 CSL down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around.

There's no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death. The guy reckons "screw it" and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.

Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.

As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You're not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking the many where."

"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

She whips out her tampon and says "I'll pay you back in monthly installments."

--

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

---


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...”

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

--

Two gay guys share a flat. One comes home to find his partner with his arse in the freezer. "What u doin?" he asks. "Thought you may like a cold one after work..."

---

SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE NINETIES

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
12. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
14. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
15. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
16. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-It notes.
17. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
18. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
19. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
20. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
22. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
23. You're reading this.
24. Even worse, you're going to forward it.

---

"It's a hard life being a Penis. I've got a head with no brain, an eye that's blind, 2 of my neighbours are nuts, the other is an asshole and my best friend is a cunt"

--

Marriage (why we guys suck)


Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasises about having two girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?".

"I said, If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?"

---

A WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN’S REVENGE

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

--

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”

He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

---

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.” (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

---

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “IN-LAWS.”

---

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

---

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

---

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM” and left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
--

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

---
THE BUFFALO THEORY

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

--

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

--

We've all heard the phrase: " You learn something new everyday" Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak! This actually happened at Harvard University. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.

"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

--

A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no otherchoice,she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a daintylittle fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said, in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again,the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
--

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not fucking going.'

---

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh.'"

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?' I said 'You've ruined my life you complete and utter FUCKING BITCH'"

---

One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched"

Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story...

Chris replies, "Don't fuck with my Uncle."

--

A US Air Force C-141 Starlifter was preparing for departure from a base in Thule, Greenland and the crew were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Captain was in a hurry to fly out, but the truck was late in arriving and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the Aircraft Captain berated the Airman for his lack of speed and promised to pursue punitive action, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it's 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule and I'm pumping shit out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do, punish me?"

--

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
--
10 Bloodcurdling Lines That Scare Men Most

Most guys would rather fling themselves into a pit of flesh-eating zombies than grapple with the age-old dating issues they're truly terrified by. Here are some things you should be careful not to say — the equivalent of sneaking up behind your boyfriend and yelling "Boo!"

"Does your bathroom always look like this?"
Granted, a three-hour burst of frenzied scrubbing is no substitute for diligent, long-term maintenance. Guys are terrified of coming across as slobs, so better to praise the 45 percent that's clean than criticise the 55 percent that's not.

"By the way, we're having dinner with Edward and Diane next week."
If a guy's not scared enough that you're already doing "couple" things, scheduling them without consultation (and especially during Match of the Day) is sure to make him run screaming into the night.

"You're not really going to wear that, are you?"
Just because we've been dressing ourselves for twenty or thirty years doesn't mean we're not open to suggestions. But most guys, when they hear this question, break out in a cold sweat and picture themselves in a tutu and ballet slippers.

"Don't worry, kitty won't bite."
No, she won't bite, but she'll scratch, shed and shred furniture. It's a known scientific fact (you can look it up) that, way deep down, 75 percent of guys are terrified of cats.

"I don't think I care for your friend Jimmy."
So what if Jimmy covered your back on the Football pitch when you were younger and you've been bosom buddies ever since? No guy wants a new relationship to crowd out his old friends. More to the point, no guy wants his old friends to accuse him of being "whipped" by his new gal pal.

"What are you thinking?"
Such a simple question, and yet so fraught. Here's a peek into the average guy's thought processes: Does she want an honest answer? Does she want me to make something up? If I say the wrong thing, will she send me to clean the bathroom?

"My mum and dad really want to meet you."
No guy expects to be liked by his girlfriend's parents; mild disapproval would be a good outcome, and homicidal loathing is always a distinct possibility. And, of course, today's girlfriend's mum is tomorrow's mother-in-law.

"You were snoring, so I slept on the couch."
One of the great things about being alone, and then not being alone, is all the wonderful things you learn about your sleeping habits. Go easy on the revelations; if things work out, you and your beau will have plenty of time to accommodate each others' nocturnal quirks.

"Great news! My sister/friend/cousin is engaged/married/pregnant."
Competition, from a guy's point of view, is a powerful thing. It may or may not be what you intended, but when your boyfriend hears this, he visualises himself with a big red target painted on his back. (Or some other part of his anatomy.)

"Does this dress make my hips look big?"
I once knew a guy who ripped his own head off rather than answer this question. Believe me, he's much better off.
--
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

---

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he is pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

---

Sam invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Sam's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Sam and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Sam and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Sam volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to Sam and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Sam said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Sam received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
--
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says "Mrs Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produced a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

--

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"

The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
--

THINGS YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNT BY NOW
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
--